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Despite the fact that many college students profess not to “give a damn” about their grades, they love telling everyone within a five-mile radius their test scores.

College students learn a very important skill in high school and even junior high: how to tell people something without acting like you want to tell them or that it’s really important, yet still getting the message across.

They utilize this vital communication skill whenever they get their test results back and discover that they did well–or at least better than the person they’re talking to.  A conversation might go like this: “Hey, er…what’d you get?”  –other person tells test score.

If this score was low, the first person then goes, “Ah, yeah, that test was a bitch,” then proceeds to casually say, “yeah, I only got a ninety-eight percent…the next test should be better, though…”

If the other person received a good grade, the first person will then say something like, “That test was so easy!”  If their score was higher, they will then continue, “I got X percent better than you, but that’s alright, I did study a bit.”  If it was lower they will then become unaccountably quiet and say, “Well, it wasn’t that easy.  And I was out partying so I didn’t get a chance to study.”  Good luck trying to find out what their grade was.  If you ask directly they will suddenly and oddly forget.

Standardized test scores are also big conversation pieces.  Even if you didn’t get a good score on your ACT or SAT, you can still get a few points by knowing someone who received perfect or near-perfect scores.  If you did receive good scores, expect to be approached by people who say, “I heard you got a perfect score from so-and-so.  Smile; you just gave so-and-so a few points by being their smart friend.

College students love the theory of independence in their own life.  After eighteen years of dreaming, they’re now out in the world and finally mom and dad aren’t telling them waht time to go to bed.

Freedom?  What could be better?  College students love this concept.

Unfortunately, actually carrying it out is often a disaster.  True freedom from your family requires that (gasp) you pay your own bills; you get a job (or two); you have to clean up after yourself, etc.  College students are not so fond of these ideas.  They require work, a concept many high school graduates have not yet grasped.

As a way of finding an acceptable compromise to actual freedom and living with their parents, college students will guilt-trip their parents into giving them money, cars, cell phones, furniture, free laundering services, and so on and so forth.  This makes them feel independent, as they can live in their own dorm or apartment, but they still have mom and dad’s financial security and a complete lack of money woes. If the bank looks low, call grandma or Aunt Sue or dad and give them a custom-tailored sob story.

If you are a college student paying your own way and you meet one of these, please remain calm.  Yes, they will discuss how poor they are as they sip their fourth five dollar Starbucks of the day.  Yes, they will ask you for money to attend the movies, buy drinks, go on a hot air balloon ride, etc.  Just smile and say no.  Don’t try to tell them you are actually broke.  They will willingly engage in an I’m-poorer-than-you contest which will end in tears and lead you to slap them.

For you see, being poor as a college student is a sure sign of freedom, giving the illusion that they are supporting themselves.  So they must, at all costs, appear dirt poor.  The poorer the better.  They will get a definite one-up on you if they complain about their lack of money first.  First complainer gets ten extra hip points.

 Heh my first one was so popular I decided to do another.  Yes, I got the idea from Stuff White People Like.  See #1.

For some reason the average college student, on any given day, will consume a mind-staggering number of these concentrated poisons, guzzling them as though their life depended on it.  Energy drinks are the new alcohol, and college students waste no time in picking up on the latest trends.

Masculine types will never be found with a small can of the stuff.  No, it’s the XXXXXXXL size for them.  The most interesting thing is that they advertise their dependence on that monster can.  They can often be found saying things like, “I heard Billy drank nine of these in one go.  I beat that every day.  Can’t live without this shit, man.”  Or, “I don’t know, it’s the only thing that gets me through my day.  I can’t live without it.”  They will spend an enormous amount of their nonexistent money on cases of energy drinks.  They will then leave the cans around in conspicuous places and swear by one particular brand.  Comments on their dependence to energy drinks are often similar to what their parents used to say about coffee, but much more hip.

When they get on the topic of how many of these they drank last weekend, and the odd things that afterward happened to them, (they will describe in excruciating detail), simply nod and make the appropriate faces at even intervals.  NEVER suggest that they just stop drinking them.  This is considered the pansy thing to do, and you will get scorching looks and a cold shoulder.  Listen to their stories of hallucinations, vomiting, dizziness and craziness with a sympathetic expression on your face.  Immediately follow their monologue with a tragic story of your own, and you will earn at least five cool points, maybe more–if your story involved rabid stalker squirrels, a massive campus-wide energy-drink addled chain-toting posse, a critical injury, and a massive caffeine hangover, your points may even shoot up to ten+. 

Don’t assume that anyone is immune to the energy-drink addiction.  Women will either guzzle huge cans to impress the guys, or discreetly sip small silver cans of it as though it were a rare and life-changing drug.  If they do this, expect rather emotional conversations about how they’re not addicted to it, they just like the taste–it has no effect on them; they liek it better than coffee.  These poor ladies are denying that they have an addiction.  But as we all know, the first step to recovery is acceptance. 

Good luck, America.  The government will be here shortly to outlaw it as an illegal drug, adding it to their long list of Stuff Old White Men in Congress Do Not Like. 

I finally went and read some of the Stuff White People Like blogs.  They’re funny and too true.  But I don’t get why they get so many hits?  I don’t know.  I’m still new at this whole thing. 

But anyways, I thought it was a good idea so I’m going to do some shameless copying of their idea.  At least I’m not the only one.  I heard that there’s now Stuff Black People Like too, and probably others, so I’m just getting in on the game.

Stuff College Students Like #1: Other people’s ideas

College students love to find someone else’s fabulous idea and copy it.  They will add their own twist to it, but it’s basically the same thing.  They do this because a.) they’ve seen that it worked when somebody else did it, b.) it is now socially acceptable, so they feel they can do it without being chastised by peers and/or the people who came up with it in the first place, and c.) by giving it their own twist, they can feel like they’ve created their own new thing without actually having to think anything new. 

College students will often be found talking about “their” new idea like this:  “Hey, dude, I had a great idea…yeah, it’s sweet, I really think it could be something….Yeah, I got the idea from (wahtever they copied from) yeah it’s different, though.”

This occurs most often in white college students who think they’re smart and are always on the lookout for something that will make them stand out or that they can make money on without any risk.  They want other people to think they’re the inventors of the idea, so they will quite often minimize credit to the original inventors. 

August 2020


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