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 Heh my first one was so popular I decided to do another.  Yes, I got the idea from Stuff White People Like.  See #1.

For some reason the average college student, on any given day, will consume a mind-staggering number of these concentrated poisons, guzzling them as though their life depended on it.  Energy drinks are the new alcohol, and college students waste no time in picking up on the latest trends.

Masculine types will never be found with a small can of the stuff.  No, it’s the XXXXXXXL size for them.  The most interesting thing is that they advertise their dependence on that monster can.  They can often be found saying things like, “I heard Billy drank nine of these in one go.  I beat that every day.  Can’t live without this shit, man.”  Or, “I don’t know, it’s the only thing that gets me through my day.  I can’t live without it.”  They will spend an enormous amount of their nonexistent money on cases of energy drinks.  They will then leave the cans around in conspicuous places and swear by one particular brand.  Comments on their dependence to energy drinks are often similar to what their parents used to say about coffee, but much more hip.

When they get on the topic of how many of these they drank last weekend, and the odd things that afterward happened to them, (they will describe in excruciating detail), simply nod and make the appropriate faces at even intervals.  NEVER suggest that they just stop drinking them.  This is considered the pansy thing to do, and you will get scorching looks and a cold shoulder.  Listen to their stories of hallucinations, vomiting, dizziness and craziness with a sympathetic expression on your face.  Immediately follow their monologue with a tragic story of your own, and you will earn at least five cool points, maybe more–if your story involved rabid stalker squirrels, a massive campus-wide energy-drink addled chain-toting posse, a critical injury, and a massive caffeine hangover, your points may even shoot up to ten+. 

Don’t assume that anyone is immune to the energy-drink addiction.  Women will either guzzle huge cans to impress the guys, or discreetly sip small silver cans of it as though it were a rare and life-changing drug.  If they do this, expect rather emotional conversations about how they’re not addicted to it, they just like the taste–it has no effect on them; they liek it better than coffee.  These poor ladies are denying that they have an addiction.  But as we all know, the first step to recovery is acceptance. 

Good luck, America.  The government will be here shortly to outlaw it as an illegal drug, adding it to their long list of Stuff Old White Men in Congress Do Not Like. 

August 2017
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